I’ve been at war with OCD (Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder) for quite some time now. If you’re a friend of mine reading this, it could qualify as a fancy revelation because it isn’t obvious with my ever cheerful attitude and sunflower smile. If you’re my Mama, please don’t fret, Jesus got me covered. =)
OH YES! I think too much! And, to be perfectly candid, “overthinking” is a complete understatement, for to me the most fitting word is TORTURE; More like a jackhammer in between my ears so to figuratively describe it without a pinch of exaggeration. But today, just like yesterday and the days before that, God always finds a way to give me my dose of healing as relief.
THE CAUSE. I honestly don’t have a clue what particularly provoked it to arise but I am pretty sure that this is a ramification of being self-sufficient and of “living in the flesh”. It comes in forms of GUILT, DOUBT, FEAR, and other lies of the enemy. It evolved into a habit I would pay millions just to get rid of! (if I have the money, lol) Thoughts become more thoughts that produce more complex thoughts that resolve to tons of even more unintended thoughts only to try to correct, block, resist or neutralize the first thought – which apparently is a thing of very little importance. I can’t explain how agonizing it is to the point of exhaustion.
The type I have is atypical. (Please check The Chronicles of a Wayward Son’s Blog about OCD, he broke all the pieces down in a fashion that is easier to chew on) My responses fall under almost all categories concerning over-importance and control of thoughts, perfectionism and intolerance for uncertainty. Extremely mild on inflated responsibility and overestimation of threat. I don’t have evident physical rituals or anything like that. I am naturally well-ordered but not to the extent of conforming to any uniformity or pattern. I suppose what I have is even worse and self-defeating.
This is what the Lord says:“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord.” – Jeremiah 17:5 NIV
Concealing it from other people is another challenging story; one that entails the least of my interest to elaborate, simply because it is as shallow as a puddle of mud that spells: “I am indubitably an effective masquerading pundit on the field, bow.” However, hiding it from my sorry self is an inevitable nightmare I have to live by the day. Looking plainly on things has been an utterly seldom event. Matching words of wisdom with every scenario doesn’t work all the time with my “overly intelligent brain” that seems to have an I.Q higher than my own. It’s arsenal of ideas is cruelly massive! Sometimes, when I am too tired of thinking, I play a little comedy called ‘surrender’. I wish that the zombies would come pay me a visit so I can offer my brain with all willingness I’ll garnish it!
With all these things running in my head, I have a vague remembering if I did pray to the Lord for an oust of such a noisy and relentless “companion”… but I recall praying one gloomy morning with my “bustling brain”, in all frailty… “You didn’t help me… You haven’t changed me. I’m still the same!” In my imagination, I threw myself to His loving arms, and desperately cried while I pound Him on His chest with my weak fist. In that thought, He didn’t say a word, His mouth didn’t move, but He gazed at me and gave me a look that is SO familiar, my heart recognized it, resulting to a burst of uncontrollable tears! Amidst the raging storm of my perplexed, finite mind that shouts, “This is unfathomable! I can’t grasp!”, there was a sudden breeze of relief while His eyes like rivers of flowing waters cascaded to my weary soul. With His pierced hands wrapped around me, He pulled me closer to a tight embrace as if to assure me that it’ll all come to pass and that I can endure. I felt His undeniable compassion in the silence of my heart, I was like a child… That day I went on with my life with a morsel of hope in my pocket. With a glimpse of confidence with God that one day, this busy factory of thoughts, He will soon banish!
Days passed, with a notion of a dwindling trust and a strange feeling of a stronger self, I devised sophisticated methods and routines to somewhat conquer my overthinking but it was all in vain. Clinging to my own self is not the key! I knew then, I had to be still and let God be God, and so I prayed in all eloquence.
Contemplative was how I preferred it to rival the unflinching torment; not only for so many valid rationale but my Spirit solely and eagerly thirsts to takeover with His mother tongue; Words are just not so welcome during those times. With every groan, the Spirit interceded for me, unloading the burden until the heaviness shifted to a lightness, weightless like a feather. He never fails to give me ‘rest’ when the load has taken its toll on me. Far from the sweetest slumber, it was purely divine.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. – Romans 8:26 NIV
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. – Romans 5:3-5
In a soliloquy, I made a pact with myself that I will continually seek Him even when darkness seems to hide His face, I’ll rest on His unchanging grace (it was a song I made my prayer – Cornerstone by Hillsong).
Little by little, with each waking, that morsel of hope in my pocket of faith tremendously increased bringing myriads of unexpected miracles! I am pleasantly surprised, I can now hear the gush of water when I open the faucet. I can now revel in the sounds of the chirping birds outside my window. I can now claim some lost-in-the-moment spunk as I get by. I can now LET THINGS BE! HIS GRACE IS TRULY SUFFICIENT! MORE THAN ENOUGH! IN ABUNDANCE! EXTRAVAGANT! ALL PRAISE TO HIM!!! Worry is what does it mean again??? He freed me from all the rules my sinful nature & the deceitful devil tandem imposed! Blissfully praising Him in gratification under His Holy Presence is a humble luxury, very liberating it has a name, EUPHORIA!
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7
Then, when I was already “high” in the summit of tranquility, an “itch” bothered me; my passion to write. I guess this is ingeniously my art more than putting make-up on my face and my friends’ (with an exception of one named Nina, lol! I love you!) for writing disturbs me whenever I am comfortable and comforts me when I’m disturbed. It is the passion which chose me as its bearer and the Sacred Gift the Lord vested upon me as my staff when I found my purpose. Never it came to mind though that it would spring up as an instrument of healing from the Almighty. As I write these words in the classic pen and paper way (yeah, I’m old-fashioned like that when drafting), my Spirit sings with thanksgiving to the Lord! This is my identity and I absolutely love it! The very thing I craved for to do eversince I saw that billowing fire and wrote my first article when I was 5, and my soul desires to keep it at that until the day when I have to draw my last breath. I can write for the Lord forever!!!
Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will… – Hebrews 13:20-21
He makes winds His messenger, flames of fire His servant. – Psalm 104:4
Given the best writing conditions… (written with a li’l sarcasm)
1. a basketball court full of cursing mouths 2 meters away from my room
2. my cutest nephews and niece who would knock on the door only to say, “We’d like to watch Frozen!!” – who wouldn’t “let it go?”
3. and my partner who always asks me to give him a back rub – which I totally can’t resist – disclaimer: I’m happy to do it, lol!
Not to mention…
4. my being a little conscious about how my books sit on the shelves
I can go on ’til tomorrow for a longer list of distractions but these things can never mess with my firm composure that’s in my Enabler’s mighty hands!
This blog that I thought would bring healing only to the lost at the onset, brought so much more as it prospers! Glory to God alone!
I’d like to seize this opportunity to thank some authors of several blogs I read for my personal consumption:
* Chronicle of a Wayward Son
* Continually Seeking Him
* Grounded Shackles
and the closest to my soul
* Crowns Before the Throne
* plus many others!
I am so blessed and honored to have been moved by them and share the same sentiments and speak the same language of love through writing. I highly recommend visiting their sites for inspiration and a more mature outlook in the spiritual arena.
GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! And He loves us deeply beyond words, beyond measure! I will attest to this golden truth even more when hardship and disaster strikes! I can see clearly now. I understand that this “thorn in my flesh” is the cross I have to bear… And I will embrace it until the Perfect Author writes that I carry it! Excruciatingly distressing having it, but if God allowed it to hurt me like this, I am certain that it’s for my own reward and for the greater glory He surely deserves! I actually had a little epiphany, that if I didn’t have this thing, maybe I won’t be seeking Him so fervently. But, as my Messenger quoted:
“Who knows why we each suffer with different afflictions or struggles? The important thing to remember is that, while God may not have caused the strife in our lives, He knows how to use it for His goodwill, in His good time.” – John Daily (Crowns Before The Throne)
For God is not a God of disorder but of peace… – 1 Corinthians 14:33
God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all. – 1 John 1:5
INDEED! And so now, I’ve made up my mind. I will walk patiently with this thrusting thorn in my flesh fixing my eyes on that dream that I long to see unfold… when all creation will kneel before my Healer, Redeemer, Savior, The Prince of Peace, Jesus! My Lord, my God! ..in that breathtaking grandeur of glory on the Day of His coming!
Now, I go back to that moment when I questioned Him in my distress. In quietness and trust, I now hear the words His eyes spoke in the stillness, He said, “I am always with you…”
OH HOW HE LOVE US!
“That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:10 (My Life Verse)